A few of my ex-boyfriends have been upset by pictures I posted of myself looking good. I liked the outfit, liked the backdrop, liked the picture. They wondered which other man I was trying to impress. Apparently, the photo needed an explanation beyond my having successfully gotten dressed.
I’m not talking about suggestive poses or revealing clothes. These were put-together pictures in a cute outfit, the kind where I thought I looked nice and wanted to share it. That distinction matters because the disagreement started before there was even anything particularly provocative to disagree about. Looking attractive was enough to raise the question.
I know posting a flattering picture has a little vanity built into it. I chose a picture I liked. I didn’t accidentally upload evidence of a good outfit while trying to pay a bill. But admitting that I enjoy looking good feels different from admitting that I’m advertising for a replacement boyfriend. One is a fairly modest pleasure. The other would be quite a lot to infer from a backdrop.
The part that bothers me is treating an audience as a target. A picture on social media will be seen by people, including men. That doesn’t mean one of those men was the reason I posted it. Being visible and making an invitation are different things, even if they can look inconveniently similar to someone already wondering about the competition.
I can understand why a boyfriend might notice that other men can find his girlfriend attractive. I’m asking what he believes happens next in her head: does he assume she’s hoping they will? Is it the attention itself he finds uncomfortable, or the idea that she might enjoy receiving it? Those are different suspicions. Neither tells him why I chose the picture.
And yes, wanting to feel attractive can include enjoying being seen. I don’t think I need to pretend otherwise to explain myself. What I resist is having that wish translated into wanting another man. I can be pleased with how I look without secretly auditioning a new relationship. I’m not claiming to know why every woman posts every picture. I know why I post mine.
I also don’t think this particular pleasure belongs only to women. Plenty of men like to look good online now, too. Once I notice that, the idea of a nice picture being inherently suspicious gets rather crowded. There would be a lot of outfits requiring statements of intent.
What I still wonder is how common my ex-boyfriends’ reading actually is. Did those few relationships give me an unusually suspicious sample, or do many men see a girlfriend’s attractive picture and immediately wonder who it’s for? I know my reason for posting. I’m less sure how often a man looking at it will believe me.
