When I came home late from a work assignment, my fiancé wasn’t there. He said he was running errands. After he got back, he stayed in his car while I folded laundry inside. I texted to ask what he was doing. Watching a video, he said.
He eventually came in, barely acknowledged me, and fell asleep on the couch. Later, I looked at his call history. He’d spent more than an hour on the phone and FaceTime with the coworker we’d already nearly broken up over.
We’re both 23. She’s 25, and their friendship has become something I can’t make sense of. They work unusual hours, but so do I. The first time he told me he was going to her house alone in the middle of the night, I asked him not to. He called me insecure as he walked out.
The second time, he didn’t tell me. I was working and saw his location at her house that morning. He said he’d forgotten to mention it. He’s maintained that they’re just talking, and at first I believed him.
I went through his phone and found no messages proving otherwise, although most of their conversations happen on Snapchat. We argued repeatedly. Eventually, during a night out with friends, I got drunk and cried about everything. Our friends spoke to him. After that, he apologized and agreed to reduce the contact.
About a week later, I found another call to her. The other calls involving her had been deleted. When I asked about it, he acted as though he didn’t know what I meant.
All of this has happened in roughly six weeks. Now I was waking him on the couch, asking about another long conversation. He said they were talking. Then he told me I could ask her. When I said to give me his phone so I could, he refused to let me near it.
I still don’t fully believe he’s cheating. That uncertainty is part of what makes this so exhausting. He previously said he turned to her because talking to me led to arguments. I agreed to be more conscious of how I responded when he agreed to pull back from her.
I added her on Snapchat, though she has physically run away after seeing me before, so I don’t expect an answer. I saved her number, too. We’ve just signed a new lease, and I keep thinking I already know what I need to do. Knowing and doing feel very far apart.
