I want to get married. What I mean by that is less elaborate than it might sound. I want a best friend who wants to be with me, someone who keeps choosing our life together as the days go by.
I want someone to hang out with. That sounds almost too ordinary to explain how much I want it, but the ordinary part matters. Having company shouldn’t always have to be an occasion. I want time together that doesn’t need much of a plan.
I want us to make memories. Some worth telling people about, some that would probably sound boring to anyone who wasn’t there. I want to be able to remember something with another person instead of always being the only one who was there.
Mostly, I’m tired. I’m tired of having no one beside me while I go through life. There are moments when that loneliness gets so heavy that I end up sobbing on the floor, crying until it’s hard to catch my breath. In those moments, I want to be held. I want someone close enough that I don’t have to explain everything before they understand I’m hurting.
It’s difficult to say how much I want that without feeling exposed. Marriage is a familiar thing to wish for. Saying that I’m lonely enough to cry on the floor feels much more private. But both wishes come from the same place.
When I think about having a husband or wife, I keep coming back to the company. Someone to spend time with. Someone who wants me there for the small things as well as the memorable ones. A best friend I get to build a life with.
I want to get married. Right now, I would really like to be held.
