I opened my boyfriend’s nightstand drawer looking for jewelry I’d left at his place earlier in the week. I’d slept over the night before and figured he might have put it away for me. Right there in the drawer was a personal sex toy that looked like it had been used recently. We hadn’t had sex in about a month.
I’m 40, he’s 39, and we’ve been dating since June. In six months, we’ve spent every weekend at one of our places, taken a few trips, and somehow still have plenty to talk about every day. We also have our own careers and time to ourselves. It’s probably the healthiest relationship I’ve had. When I walk past him, there’s a good chance he’ll pull me in for a hug or a kiss.
Sex was happening maybe once a week, then less often, then weeks went by. When we did have sex, we usually went back to the same position. I’d enjoyed it before, and I wondered if sticking with something familiar took some pressure off him. He’s told me he’s struggled with his sex drive in past relationships and felt punished for it. When things haven’t gone the way he hoped, I’ve tried to make sure he knows I enjoy being with him and that we can stop whenever he wants.
We’ve talked about it in bits and pieces. I’ve told him how much sexual connection matters to me, but I’ve held back on saying how lonely I’ve started to feel without it. Standing at his nightstand, I realized how much I’d been swallowing. My first thought was an angry one. How is there room for this when we haven’t made room for each other?
I can see how opening his drawer might look. I also know I’m guessing about when he used the toy. Under different circumstances I’d even be open to incorporating it into our sex life if he wanted to. I still wish I’d found my jewelry and gone about my day.
Now I have to figure out how to tell him what I found and how much I miss sex with him, without making him feel like he has to defend what he does on his own. If you’ve had a conversation like this with someone you love, how did you start it? What happened afterward?
