He asked me over for dinner for our third date, and I immediately found a question that had very little to do with food: if I accept, will he think I’m agreeing to sex?
I’m 55. I would like to report that this makes me wonderfully relaxed about dating, but apparently I still require assistance interpreting an invitation. We met online, we’ve had two dates, and we’ve shared a kiss. There have been plenty of good conversations, too. I like being with him, and I’m attracted to him. This is a promising start, which is precisely why I don’t want to make it unnecessarily complicated.
Dinner at his place sounds appealing. It also sounds more private than the dates we’ve had so far. I can recognize the possibility of sex without knowing whether that’s what he has in mind. He may be hoping for it; he may simply want to cook dinner and spend more time together. My ability to consider both possibilities has not, so far, developed into an ability to read his mind.
The awkward part is that my hesitation could sound like a lack of interest, when interest is one of the few things I’m sure about. I don’t want to pretend I’m only evaluating his hospitality. I fancy him. I just don’t know that I’m ready for sex yet. Wanting another evening with a man and being ready to sleep with him seem like things I ought to be allowed to decide separately.
I know accepting dinner isn’t consent to sex. What I’m trying to work out is whether we would arrive at that evening with different expectations, and when to bring that up. I could say something beforehand: make it clear that I’d like to see him, but I may want to take the physical side slowly. That could spare me an evening of wondering what he assumes. It could also feel rather formal to introduce sex into a conversation about a dinner invitation, particularly if he wasn’t assuming anything.
Or I could accept and see how the evening goes, saying what I’m comfortable with if it becomes relevant. That leaves room for the date to be a date, instead of a discussion held in advance of one. But it also means carrying my uncertainty into his home and possibly having the conversation when we’re already kissing. Neither timing feels entirely effortless. I had hoped dating experience might eventually include that feature.
We’ve only been out twice. The good chats and the kiss give me reasons to want a third date; they don’t yet tell me how easy it will be to talk about something awkward with him. That’s still ahead of us. For now, I have an invitation I’m pleased to have received, a man I want to see again, and a message I haven’t quite worked out how to word.
