When I asked my girlfriend whether we could meet in the middle about sex, I thought I was asking how we could both be happy. She heard something else: we would have sex when she wanted, and the extra times would be something she put up with for me. Hearing it that way stopped me. I didn’t want sex she was enduring. I also hadn’t found a way to explain what I was missing without making it sound like a request for exactly that.
We’re both 24 and have been together for five years. We met at university and are each other’s first serious long-term relationship. For two years, we lived in the same student building, with separate rooms and flatmates. Later, we spent nearly a year back at our family homes. Work meant we mostly saw each other on weekends, and we usually had sex when we did. During the week, we sent each other sexual messages and photos. Being apart hadn’t made desire disappear.
Last year, we moved into a place of our own. I expected an adjustment. There were meals to cook, groceries to buy, and all the ordinary things that fill a shared home. Sex could wait when we were busy. What I hadn’t expected was how rarely it would happen when we finally had time.
It dropped to about once a month. When we did have sex, I felt less confident than before, and it sometimes ended sooner than I wanted. I wasn’t especially happy with it, and I wondered whether she was either. Afterward, we would say we’d missed it and should do it again soon. Then weeks would pass.
When I tried to initiate, she was often tired from work or not in the mood. I began worrying that she wasn’t attracted to me anymore. I told her that, and she reassured me that wasn’t the problem. I heard her, but the gap between that reassurance and our sex life was still hard to live with.
We were kissing less, too. I started feeling like we were roommates, though I mostly kept that thought to myself. We also work at the same place: we commute together, have lunch together, spend the day as colleagues, then come home to cooking and shopping. We were around each other more than ever, with less time that felt romantic.
I made more effort with dates and affection that wasn’t about starting sex. That helped. I’m happier with our relationship now, and I enjoy being with her. She’s kind, supportive, beautiful, and someone whose company I love. But the sex stayed at roughly once a month. Improving our time together hadn’t made our desires line up again.
When I asked whether she thought about sex much outside the times we were having it, she said she didn’t really. She also said she didn’t place that much importance on it. That was difficult to hear because I’d assumed we still felt similarly about it, even if our routines had changed. I’d prefer once or twice a week. For me, long stretches without sex leave something important missing, even when the rest of our life is good.
I’ve tried to say that without pressuring her. But her response to my suggestion of compromise made me realize how different a solution can sound to the person being asked for more sex. I love our life together. I’m still trying to work out what meeting in the middle could mean if the middle is somewhere she doesn’t want to be.
