Sometimes I bring up having sex during the day, and by the time we get into bed, my boyfriend is too tired. Or he has stayed up too late. What seemed possible earlier quietly falls away, and I’m left feeling embarrassed that I raised it at all.
We’re both 26 and have been together for about four years. Earlier in our relationship, he was all over me. He wanted to kiss me, touch me, have sex with me. I didn’t have to keep wondering whether he was interested because he made it pretty clear. That’s the part I keep comparing with now.
These days, we have sex maybe twice a month. I’m almost always the one who starts things, and when I try kissing or touching him, he often brushes me off. I don’t expect every advance to lead anywhere. But after enough of them go nowhere, making another one starts to feel less like reaching for my boyfriend and more like putting myself up for rejection.
What confuses me is that when we do have sex, he seems genuinely into it. He enjoys being there with me. I’m not describing sex where I can tell the other person is waiting for it to be over. In those moments, the desire feels mutual. It’s getting to those moments that seems to depend on me.
That difference makes it hard to explain what I’m missing. If I say we don’t have enough sex, it sounds as though there’s a number that would settle everything. I don’t need it every day. I want him to reach for me sometimes without my having to create the opening. I miss the feeling of finding out he wants me because he has done something to show it.
I also don’t want him saying yes out of obligation. Being tired is a valid reason to turn down sex, and so is simply not wanting it. I would never want him to feel pressured. Still, knowing he has every right to say no doesn’t stop it from hurting when I’m nearly always the one asking. Respecting his answer and feeling rejected can happen at the same time.
I keep wondering whether this is what four years together looks like, or whether I’m accepting a change that matters more to me than I’ve wanted to admit. I don’t know why he rarely initiates now. The fact that he enjoys sex when we have it doesn’t answer that question, and I can’t turn his tiredness into proof of something else.
Physical closeness matters to me, even in a relationship that is about more than sex. Lately, though, I’m getting embarrassed about trying. I still want to kiss him and see where it goes. I’m just tired of being the only one who seems to be wondering whether tonight might be the night.
