I changed my shoes as slowly as I could, hoping my salsa teacher would move away from the corridor. He stayed there, talking to other people, right where I needed to pass to reach the door. Eventually, I ran out of shoe-changing to do.
As I walked through, he turned, opened his arms, and hugged me. It felt intense to me. We looked at each other for what seemed like two seconds, and then I panicked and practically ran out. For someone who had once stopped considering this man a romantic possibility, I had a surprisingly dramatic exit.
I’m 50. He’s 47, and I’d been attracted to him long before that hug. At the Christmas party in 2023, I asked him to dance. He told me he had a girlfriend. In a salsa setting, asking for a dance didn’t seem like a declaration of romantic intent, but apparently we hadn’t heard the same question. I stepped back, stopped thinking of him as a possibility, and carried on being friendly.
Recently, I’ve noticed him paying me more attention. That corridor hug brought back the attraction I thought I’d put away. I like his energy and how readily I respond to him. What I don’t know is whether the girlfriend he mentioned is still his girlfriend. I’ve never seen her at the academy, but that tells me nothing. He keeps his private life private, and I feel awkward asking about it.
Meanwhile, there’s another man in my life. He’s 40, and we’ve been friends with benefits since meeting in May. Before him, I’d spent four years single and without sex. Being with someone I liked, and enjoying the physical side of it, mattered to me. He’s deaf; when we’re together, we communicate mostly by writing on our phones. Our meetings have been good, even with little conversation beyond that.
Over the summer, he traveled, and so did I. We haven’t managed to meet again yet. We’ve stayed in touch, sent hearts and affectionate messages, and had some sexual exchanges from a distance. He’s back now, and we’re supposed to see each other soon. He still seems interested, although the time apart has left me feeling less close to him.
He has also been clear that he doesn’t want a relationship. I’ve accepted that. The warmth in his messages doesn’t undo what he told me, and I don’t want to quietly promote a casual arrangement into something he never offered. At the same time, I can feel how much I’m drawn to the possibility of something more serious with someone else.
That’s where I start getting ahead of myself with my teacher. I catch myself thinking he might be a better match, even though I don’t yet know whether he’s available or whether that hug meant anything romantic to him. My attraction is clear. His intentions are still unknown.
I also wonder whether keeping the casual arrangement leaves me less open to dating seriously. Letting it go would mean giving up something real and enjoyable, without another relationship waiting in its place. After those four years on my own, that feels like a bigger step than I wish it did.
For now, one man has told me exactly what he can offer. With the other, I haven’t yet managed to ask whether he still has a girlfriend. I managed a hug and a hurried escape. The ordinary conversation is the part I’m hesitating over.
