The last time I was physically intimate with the woman I’d been getting to know, I enjoyed it. What unsettled me was how little I felt beyond that. I wasn’t angry with her or especially attached to her. The experience was pleasant, and emotionally, almost blank.
I’m 20, and getting attention from women isn’t the part I struggle with. I’m outgoing, I get approached fairly often, sometimes by older women, and I like it. Flirting feels comfortable. Meeting someone and creating a spark can be exciting. But lately, that spark seems to have very little to do with developing feelings.
A month ago, I was in a serious relationship with a woman I genuinely loved. She lives in Pakistan; I’m in Dar es Salaam. We broke up mainly because I didn’t have enough time for her. We still talk.
That recent relationship makes my current uncertainty harder to explain to myself. I’m not trying to imagine an emotion I’ve never experienced. I know what it was like to love someone. Yet I’m already wondering whether I’ve somehow lost the ability, as though one month could tell me something permanent about myself.
Recently, I started getting to know a Korean woman. I told her I wanted something serious. At the same time, part of me knew that saying so might make her walk away. There was an odd contradiction in that: I was putting commitment into the conversation without being clear with myself about what I actually wanted from her.
She eventually said she couldn’t see anything serious happening between us. We met again afterward and became physically intimate. I enjoyed being close to her, but the emotional response I might have expected never arrived. Her saying no to a relationship hadn’t stopped the attraction. Being intimate hadn’t turned it into affection, either.
I’ve noticed something else that bothers me more than a single encounter. Sometimes, when a woman genuinely likes me, my interest starts to fade. The chase can hold my attention in a way that the possibility of an actual connection doesn’t. Being wanted feels good. Wanting to stay close to the person who wants me is proving less straightforward.
I don’t know whether I’m still attached to my ex, avoiding vulnerability, or enjoying the reassurance of knowing I can attract someone. All of those possibilities cross my mind, but none is something I can confidently call the explanation. It would be convenient to pick one and have the whole situation make sense. I don’t have that certainty.
What I do have is a recent breakup, an ex I still speak to, and a new encounter that felt good without making me feel close. The woman I’d been seeing has already been clear that she doesn’t see a serious relationship between us. I’m the one still trying to understand what I meant when I said I wanted one.
