The last time my husband and I tried something new in bed, he got into it. I had suspected it might be something he would enjoy, and once I got things started, he did. It was fun for both of us. For me, it was amazing. Now I want it to happen again, and somehow that feels harder to bring up than trying it the first time.
I’m 33, he’s 36, and we’ve been together for more than ten years. I’ve always had the higher sex drive. Usually, I’m the one who initiates, which means wanting more variety often comes with the job of introducing it. We have experimented over the years, but nothing has really become a regular part of our sex life.
What I want isn’t only a different thing to try. I want him to take the lead. I’ve told him about my interest in bondage and consensual power play, about wanting him to tell me what to do rather than waiting for me to direct everything. The appeal is being able to follow his lead, to feel that he wants something enough to ask for it himself.
He worries about being too pushy. That makes this a difficult thing to explain: some of the initiative he’s hesitant to take is exactly what I’m asking for. I’m not asking him to ignore what I want. I’m trying to tell him what I do want, while knowing that hearing it hasn’t made him comfortable taking charge.
I’ve also asked what he likes. I’ve made it clear that I’m open to hearing his interests, but his answers tend to stay with the usual things. I don’t have a more detailed wish list from him to work with. So the recent experiment began with something I thought he might enjoy, rather than something he had specifically requested. His enthusiasm once we started was what made it so encouraging.
Still, enjoying it once doesn’t tell me whether he wants it to become a regular thing. I don’t know if he would bring it up on his own, or whether it will remain one great experience that we never quite get back to. I’m left with a memory I want to revisit and no certainty that he’s thinking about it the same way.
Pressure is part of the difficulty. When he feels it, he loses interest, and I’m nervous about making a repeat sound like something he now has to deliver. Saying how much I enjoyed myself feels simple enough in my head. Asking for the same experience again carries an expectation, even if I mean it as an invitation.
I’ve been considering variations instead of repeating it exactly. That might leave more room for something new, but it would still mean me setting things in motion. There’s a difference between wanting another enjoyable night and wanting him to be the one who reaches for it. Both are part of this for me, and one good experiment hasn’t settled the second.
