For my birthday, the man I’m casually seeing gave me a pink screwdriver and wrench set. I’d bought myself a toolbox without much idea of what I wanted to do with it. He remembered. After years without a birthday gift from anyone, that small detail meant more to me than the tools themselves.
He’d had a hectic day and car trouble. I offered to move our dinner, but he still wanted to celebrate with me. It was lovely. It also made it harder to keep telling myself that my feelings were exactly where we’d agreed to leave them.
We met about two months ago, when I was 27 and he was 41. I was separated from my husband and going through a divorce. I’d posted online looking for someone to have casual sex with and spend time with. He wanted something physical without labels or the pressure of a traditional relationship. At the time, we sounded well matched.
Our first dinner lasted five hours. A few days later we slept together, and the sex and chemistry have been wonderful. So has the time around it: dinners, dates, events, laughing together. He pays when we go out. We hold hands, kiss and cuddle, including in public. I wasn’t expecting casual to mean cold, but I hadn’t expected to enjoy him this much either.
About a month in, I made him a Halloween basket. I’d made them for friends too; it wasn’t intended as a romantic declaration. Afterward, though, I thought he seemed more distant. When I checked in, he said he worried I might eventually want more than he could give. He wasn’t looking for anything serious and didn’t want to hurt me.
I told him I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend and would speak up if my needs changed. The next time I saw him, he was more affectionate than before.
Two weeks later, at my house, I asked what ‘nothing serious’ actually meant to him. He didn’t have a clear answer. He talked about deploying every few months and struggling to balance work with a relationship, then mentioned he’d be staying here for the next three or four years. He’d also been single for roughly four years after a relationship he described as toxic.
He said he enjoyed our dates, adventures and time together, and wasn’t looking for anyone else. When he asked what I wanted, I repeated that I wasn’t seeking a boyfriend while my divorce was still underway. I meant it. I also repeated my promise to tell him if things changed.
Since then, he’s introduced me to friends and military coworkers. He took a day off for an event we attended together, where he held my hand, kissed me and put his arm around my waist. We have a four-day trip planned for next week. There’s been talk of a friend’s bonfire, and he’s invited me to his command’s Christmas party.
None of that tells me he secretly wants a relationship. He can enjoy taking me places and buying me a thoughtful present while meaning what he said. But I’ve started thinking about him during the day and looking forward to the smallest things we do together. My divorce hasn’t finished; my feelings haven’t waited.
I can tell him I have feelings without knowing exactly what I’m asking for next. Staying quiet would leave him relying on the reassurance I’ve given him twice. I’m still deciding whether to say it before we go away together. The trip is next week, and I haven’t told him yet.
