When one of my boyfriend’s coworkers asked when we were getting married, I thought I had a fairly good idea of the answer. Then my boyfriend said we weren’t in a hurry. Maybe around thirty, so we could enjoy our youth.
We were both twenty-five. Until that night, I’d thought we wanted to get married in our mid-twenties. Apparently, our timeline had acquired several extra years while we were out for drinks.
We’d been together for four years and had lived together for a year and a half. We shared values, hobbies, and what I believed was a loving, respectful relationship. Marriage wasn’t something I had quietly decided on by myself. We’d talked about our future many times, and he used to say how excited he was to plan a special proposal.
With my twenty-sixth birthday approaching, I’d started feeling restless. An engagement still leaves a wedding to plan, and nothing seemed to be happening. I didn’t want to pressure him. I would have been happy to propose myself; I don’t think being courted and romanced should be reserved for women. But I believed proposing mattered to him, so I’d been waiting.
The night at the bar came after an event at his workplace. We went out with a few of his close colleagues, and everything had been going well. One of them announced that he planned to propose to his girlfriend the following weekend. We congratulated him, and the conversation turned to marriage. That was when someone asked about us.
My boyfriend looked awkward before giving his answer. Nobody made much of it, and the conversation moved on. But he was distant with me for the rest of the evening. I tried to act normally, even though I was hurt and confused. The next day, the distance was still there.
When I brought up what he’d said and how I was feeling about marriage, he immediately got annoyed. He said he hadn’t wanted to look too eager to marry in front of his colleagues and that I’d taken it too personally.
Then he broke down crying and told me he’d had a crush on a female coworker for about a year. She had been at the bar with us. He admitted they’d flirted over text a few times, but insisted nothing physical had happened.
I’d started that conversation trying to understand whether we still wanted the same future. Now I was trying to take in a whole year of feelings for someone else. I asked if he wanted to leave me. He said no. I asked whether he would stop private contact with her. He said she was his friend too, and he couldn’t.
I packed a bag and left. A few days later, I texted him that we were done and needed to move apart. He said breaking up by text was cold and that I should have heard him out properly.
I can believe he doesn’t want to lose me. That is part of what makes this so difficult. The relationship I remember was loving, and I haven’t stopped remembering it just because of what he admitted. But he wants to save it while keeping the private friendship with the woman he’s been attracted to for a year. I’m still wondering whether to hear him out again. The last time I asked him to stop private contact, he said he couldn’t.
