A month of letting my partner take the lead showed me how much I wanted to submit to her. What I hadn't expected was to come out of it thinking so much about the man she used to submit to.
I'm 37, she's 42, and for two years we've both enjoyed switching roles in the bedroom. Sometimes I lead; sometimes she does. Being dominant is still something I'm finding my confidence in, but apart from those early nerves, taking turns has worked for us. Neither of us had to settle into one role to make our sex life feel right.
For Locktober, we decided to spend the month with her consistently in charge. That gave us a chance to explore a sustained dynamic instead of changing roles. She became more confident as my dominant partner, and I discovered that I wanted to surrender more control to her than I'd realized. The experience was good enough that we're considering keeping that arrangement more often, perhaps even making it our main dynamic.
During the past few weeks, we also talked a lot about a former partner of hers. Their power exchange extended around the clock, with him dominant and her submissive. Hearing about that intensity had made me jealous before. I'm still learning how to lead, and I compare that unfinished confidence with the version of him I hear about in her past.
Then another thought began getting in the way: the woman I want to submit to once submitted deeply to somebody else. I understand that we've both switched roles throughout our relationship. Her having a submissive side isn't a discovery. Yet knowing how far she went with him has started to affect how fully I can let go with her.
I don't have a new complaint about what she's doing with me. Our month together showed me how much I enjoy her taking control. The difficulty comes when I think about her earlier relationship and start feeling inferior to the man who led it. His place in her past seems to become a measure of what I haven't learned yet.
That comparison pulls me toward the other role, too. Part of me wants to be as good at dominating her as I imagine he was. Getting more comfortable in that role would mean spending more time in it. So even while I'm drawn to submitting, I'm beginning to fantasize about reversing the power exchange and being the one in charge again.
That desire isn't unfamiliar; we've happily gone both ways before. What confuses me is its timing. I can't cleanly separate wanting to lead her because I enjoy it from wanting to prove I can match someone else. The same memories that make me struggle to surrender also make me want a turn at taking control.
I keep wondering whether this is jealousy showing up inside a dynamic I genuinely want, or whether my own switching desires are asking for more room. I haven't settled that. Right now, I'm still trying to give myself over to a woman who helped me discover how much I wanted to—and finding that part of me wants to lead her instead.
