My boyfriend usually makes the first move, and I know how to respond. What I don't know is how to be the one who starts. We have an active sex life, I want him, and yet the thought of making that desire obvious before he does feels awkward.
I'm 21 and he's 20. We've been together for about four months, and we're each other's first sexual partner. That makes what we have feel especially meaningful to me. We're learning this part of being together with each other, rather than bringing years of experience from other relationships.
So far, though, one part has settled into a pattern: he initiates. He starts touching me, I respond, and things develop from there. I'm not simply lying there waiting for the whole experience to happen to me. I can be sexual with him. But joining in once he's started feels different from being the person who lets him know, first, that I want sex.
I don't have a complaint about him taking the lead. I haven't said that he objects to me initiating, either. This is something I want to do, not something he's demanded. I want to be able to express my own desire instead of relying on him to open the conversation with his hands every time.
Being wanted and showing someone I want them aren't quite the same experience. When he starts, his interest is already clear. Going first would mean allowing mine to be clear before I know exactly how the moment will go. Even in a relationship where sex is already familiar, that small bit of exposure can feel surprisingly new.
I keep coming back to the awkwardness, but I can't point to a disastrous attempt. There isn't a story here about making a move and being laughed at, or getting turned down. I'm trying to work out how to begin before I've begun. The uncomfortable moment I'm anticipating hasn't actually happened.
And I don't want to turn it into a performance. I already have a boyfriend I'm attracted to, and a sex life I enjoy. What I want isn't an entirely different version of myself. It's a way to let him feel wanted without getting so caught up in how I come across that I leave the first move to him again.
For now, that's the unfamiliar part: not having sex with him, but being the one who makes it clear that I'd like to.
