I haven't lost my sex drive. That's the awkward part. I still want sexual pleasure, but I'd rather take care of myself than have sex with the woman I've been with for three years.
I'm 31, and this is essentially my second relationship. Our sex life isn't great, and I accept responsibility for my part in that. The beginning was rocky. I came into the relationship without much experience of dating or sex, despite having wanted both. Being with someone didn't suddenly make that history disappear.
There were years when I wasn't in a relationship at all. To me, those years matter. My impression is that my partner doesn't understand what that was like, or how it still affects the way I feel about myself. That doesn't mean I know everything about her experience, either. But feeling misunderstood has become part of being together, and it has followed me into our sex life.
I don't generally think of myself as a loser. Still, it's easy to be hard on myself when my lack of experience feels so present in a relationship. Having a partner and feeling comfortable as someone's partner haven't turned out to be the same thing.
As I became more unhappy with things between us, I pulled away from sex. What I've come to recognize is that masturbating feels better to me. I mean more pleasurable, but also preferable: when I want to meet my own needs, that is what I'd rather do. It isn't simply what I settle for because partnered sex isn't happening.
From my perspective, my desire is still there. I'm not aware of a physical problem preventing me from having sex. I can't explain this by saying I never feel in the mood. The distinction is uncomfortable because it leaves me admitting that wanting sexual release and wanting sex with my partner are different things for me right now.
I know how that might sound to the woman on the other side of this relationship. But I don't want to put words in her mouth or pretend I can describe her feelings for her. What I can say is that my preference doesn't automatically meet her needs just because it meets mine.
She may want a partner whose sexual wishes fit hers better. I accept that she might decide to leave and find that person. I'm not describing a breakup that's already happened, or a conversation that has settled any of this. It's a possibility I recognize, even while I'm trying to be honest about something I expect people to judge.
I don't have a neat explanation beyond what I know about my own experience. I'm still wondering whether other people recognize it.
