In the week after we had sex, she kept messaging me about how good it had been. Then came the unexpected Snapchat calls. I’d enjoyed our time together and wanted to see her again. I just hadn’t expected the hours between seeing her to become part of the arrangement.
We’d matched on a dating app two weeks ago. She’s 41, I’m 27, and she told me she’d been married for 12 years and in an open relationship for five. She answered my questions, and we seemed to agree that, if we met and got along, this could become a casual sex thing. Nothing serious. No actual relationship.
I took her situation as a reason to relax. Someone with a husband and years of experience with an open relationship would presumably understand keeping things separate. That was my assumption, though. Being married told me something about her life, not how often she would want to hear from me.
A week ago, we met for a drink, had sex, and hung out for a while before she left. We said we’d see each other again. There wasn’t a bad encounter to explain or a lack of attraction to work around. I had a good time. An occasional repeat sounded appealing.
Over the next seven days, the contact became much more frequent than I wanted. She kept texting, called me at random times on Snapchat, and said she wanted this to be a regular thing. I hadn’t even given her my phone number. To me, that amount of contact started to feel like the day-to-day side of a relationship I’d specifically said I wasn’t looking for.
Her enthusiasm doesn’t tell me she wants a boyfriend. Wanting regular sex and wanting a serious relationship aren’t automatically the same thing. She may hear “casual” and still imagine plenty of conversation between meetings. I hear it and imagine seeing each other occasionally, without needing to keep a running conversation going. We agreed on a label before finding out what either of us meant by it.
There’s also the part I bring to these encounters. I’m affectionate and passionate with women, even when we’ve only just met. That’s how I get into sex; being distant in person wouldn’t feel like me. Still, I wonder whether that warmth suggests an availability afterward that I don’t actually want to offer. I can be very present with someone for an evening and then want my ordinary days back.
I’ve gone completely cold in similar situations before. Early on, disappearing can look like the easiest exit: no awkward explanation, no discussion about how much contact is too much. I’ve also felt bad about doing it. This time, the complication is that I don’t want to pretend I disliked everything just because I dislike the pace of the messages.
Saying plainly that I’d enjoy seeing her occasionally but can’t do the daily communication would make my version of casual clearer. She might want something different, even without wanting anything serious. I don’t know whether that version of the arrangement would appeal to her. For now, I’m still interested in seeing her again, and already overwhelmed by how much we’re in touch.
