When he told me he had never had sex, I was surprised. When he said he wanted it to mean something, the part I couldn't get past was what I wanted: to keep seeing him, have sex, and not get serious.
I'm 25, and he's 33. A coworker set us up. I work one night a week at a bar, and I'd had my eye on him for about two months before I made the first move. He was funny, we had things in common, and I liked him. None of that has suddenly stopped being true.
He's also very awkward, especially around women. After a few dates, though, he started opening up, and we were having fun. I knew he wasn't especially smooth. I hadn't guessed that he'd never had a girlfriend.
That came out when we talked about our experiences with other people. Until then, I had been getting to know a man I was attracted to. Now I knew this might be his first relationship as well as his first time having sex. It didn't make him less appealing. It made the difference between our expectations harder to ignore.
He has already been saying that we're a thing. I've been enjoying a few dates. Those can sound close enough until one person starts thinking about what comes next. I made the first move, so I understand why my interest is clear to him. What feels much less clear is whether he knows where that interest stops.
I haven't dated anyone in a while, and I don't feel ready for a serious relationship. I do want sex again. I have more experience than he does, although it's been a while for me too. Wanting him isn't a favor I'm doing for an inexperienced man. It's my own desire, and pretending otherwise would make this easier to explain but less honest.
The guilt comes from imagining that we could have the same encounter and give it very different weight. He said he wanted sex with someone to mean something. I don't know exactly what that means to him. I can't turn it into a demand for forever, but I also can't assume it means the same thing as liking someone and wanting to sleep with them.
His inexperience doesn't tell me what he can handle. His own words tell me that this matters to him, and he's already talking about us as something established. That's more relevant than the number of people either of us has slept with. I don't want to make decisions for him because he's a virgin. I don't want to let that concern become an excuse for leaving my own intentions vague, either.
Being honest could mean finding out that what I want isn't enough for him. Carrying on without making it clear could let him believe I'm offering more than I am. There's no version where I can guarantee that he won't be disappointed and still keep every possibility open for myself.
I was the one who wanted this to start. I still want to hang out with him, and I still want sex. He's started calling us a thing, and I haven't worked out how to tell him that, for me, that doesn't mean a relationship.
