We agreed we would fill out the kink list together. She had looked at the links I sent, found some things confusing, and we thought talking through them would help. I brought it up a couple more times. For one reason or another, the conversation never happened. Now I’m nervous about bringing it up again, even though the woman I’m afraid of making uncomfortable is the person I want to spend my life with.
I’m 35, she’s 30, and we’ve been dating for about 18 months, serious for 14. We’re thinking about moving in together. Our sex life is good, and the chemistry is there. This isn’t me trying to rescue something that feels empty. It’s me wondering how to talk about a part of myself inside a relationship I already love.
I discovered that I liked taking the dominant role when I first became sexually involved with someone, six or seven years ago. That dynamic didn’t appeal to her, and we parted on good terms. Afterward, I read more and went to informal gatherings where people could talk about kink. I went on to have two friends-with-benefits relationships built around a dominant/submissive dynamic. The longest lasted three years and ended when my partner wanted a serious relationship with someone else; she didn’t see that future with me.
Then I stepped away from dating while work and exams needed my attention. When I started again last year, I met my girlfriend. The relationship I’d previously missed out on was suddenly something we both wanted.
Early on, she remarked that her sexual tastes weren’t as conventional as I might think. That was how we eventually got to the list. Since then, we’ve discovered things together without completing it. She’s told me she likes blindfolds, having her hands restricted, and being told what to do in bed. Those preferences sound compatible with mine, but liking particular things doesn’t tell me whether she wants the broader dynamic I have in mind.
For me, the appeal depends on her enjoying it too. I don’t want a performance put on to keep me happy. Her pleasure is part of what excites me; taking charge would lose its meaning if she were simply tolerating it. I have plenty of interests, but a long list of possibilities says nothing about which ones she might actually want to share.
Outside sex, I’m introverted and nervous. Being comfortable in a dominant role hasn’t made me confident about starting this conversation. Because she hasn’t returned to it herself, I hesitate. I don’t know what that silence means, and I don’t want to turn it into an answer she hasn’t given.
I want to explain what this means to me without making her feel that our future depends on agreeing to it. It doesn’t. I wouldn’t leave her because we couldn’t build a formal dominant/submissive relationship. What I’m still trying to find is a sweet, considerate way to reopen a conversation we meant to have, with room for her to tell me what she wants.
