Three days after I asked where we stood, I was in bed thinking about Halloween. The woman I’d been dating was away in Madrid for the weekend. She would be spending it as a single woman, which was exactly the status she had told me she wanted to keep.
The trip wasn’t evidence of anything happening with another man. I didn’t know that anything would. What bothered me was that I was still considering whether to wait, even though she had already answered the question I’d asked.
We’d been seeing each other for six weeks. We had dates twice a week, talked every day, and FaceTimed daily. We’d booked an Airbnb, met each other’s friends, and become part of each other’s everyday lives. There were nicknames. Physical and emotional closeness had become normal between us. Six weeks might sound brief, but we had put a lot into them.
That was why I brought up exclusivity. I wasn’t comfortable continuing to date her without knowing whether we were both closing ourselves off to other options. I wanted her, and the more involved we became, the harder it was to treat that question as something we could leave for later.
She wanted to keep seeing me. She didn’t want exclusivity, or the responsibilities she associated with having a boyfriend. Hearing both things together was difficult. The part of me that wanted to stay could focus on how much she liked what we had. I also had to hear what she wasn’t offering.
I told her that probably meant we would have to end things. She asked me to wait and talk about it again in a few days. I left it there. Three days later, and I found myself thinking about her weekend away and my place in her life.
I could give her more time, but I had no promise that time would change her answer. I could try to negotiate, but an agreement she didn’t actually want wouldn’t give me what I was asking for either. Staying while pretending I was comfortable seemed like the easiest way to keep seeing her, and the hardest version of this for me to sustain.
The next day, I sent a message. I told her I understood that she wasn’t looking to be exclusive. I could understand her reasons without being willing to continue on those terms. I said how much I wanted her, how much I’d enjoyed our time together, and that I was bringing it to an end.
There was some back and forth after that. She was sad and said she didn’t want us to stop seeing each other. She still wasn’t ready for commitment. I made it clear that I wasn’t opening another negotiation. I was finished, even though wanting her hadn’t conveniently stopped with the decision.
