I’m 45, never married, and I don’t have children. I haven’t been in a relationship for almost ten years. Put like that, it can sound as though I’ve been waiting around for something to happen. I haven’t been. I’ve simply never been especially good at making attraction arrive on schedule.
I’m logic-first, which is not the most glamorous phrase to bring to a date. I can see that someone is attractive without immediately wanting to be close to him. For me, wanting tends to grow through getting to know a person. The beginning is less a lightning strike than a slow change in what I notice.
That can be awkward in a dating world where the spark seems to be expected to make its entrance early, preferably before anyone has had time to ask a second question. I’ve had few matches, fewer replies, and a handful of meetings. Several dates have later told me they enjoyed my company but didn’t feel a spark. I can accept that someone isn’t attracted to me. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea; I wasn’t one recent date’s, either. Still, the phrase can leave me wondering whether we’re using the same word for the same thing.
We talked about what a spark meant to each of us. I know what it means to notice a good-looking man. That isn’t the same as feeling an immediate rush of intimacy, or knowing, from across a table, that I want more. My interest can be quieter at first. It gathers as I learn who someone is, and sometimes a small thing changes: seeing his name on my phone starts to feel exciting.
There’s a particular oddness to explaining this when the other person is measuring the early minutes for a feeling I may not have had time to develop. I don’t want to pretend I’m swept away when I’m not. But I also don’t want the absence of instant fireworks to be treated as proof that nothing could ever catch.
I’ve wondered whether “demisexual” might be a useful word for my experience. I’m not claiming it as a final answer. It’s a possibility I’ve found myself turning over: a way of describing how attraction can become clearer for me as familiarity grows.
I intend to bring it up on a future date. That feels like a slightly different opening move than asking whether there’s a spark. I’m still not sure what the word will do once it’s out in the conversation. But at least I have a name I can try, instead of waiting for the lightning to introduce itself.
